March Mania (mahrch mey-nee-uh)
A condition not listed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (5th ed.) (or DSM-V), but should be. Those who are the most at-risk include individuals who are fans of high-caliber basketball teams. Turns normally high-functioning and psychologically sound people into raging lunatics. Symptoms include frequent insomnia, lack of appetite for food other than nachos, pizza, or other junk food consumables, nervousness and general anxiety, and an addiction to brackets. Other symptoms include verbal outbursts or utterances of terms such as "RPI", "seed", "upset", or "brackets". Sufferers also have uncontrollable urges to spout stats and give high fives. Also includes nervous ticks developed from clicking the remote control too quickly and the urge for diaper dandies and super seniors alike to end every sentence with emphatic answers, baby!
Unfortunately, there is no known cure. The disorder merely lies dormant in the victim's system until March of every year.
How to Determine If You Have March Mania
Test One
Scenario... Someone asks you who the 15th president of the United States was.
- If you say, "James Buchanan," give yourself one point.
- If you feel the need to add, "He was awesome, baby! A real high riser!", give yourself three points.
- If you follow that answer with: "Super, scintillating, sensational - he was the three-S man," and proceed to run around the room doling out high-fives, give yourself five points.
Test Two
Scenario... You see someone running late to work.
- If you hold the door open for them, give yourself one point.
- If you attempt to box out the oncoming individual by guarding the door at all costs, give yourself three points.
- If you position yourself between the individual and the door and upon the collision yell, "That's a charge! I had position!" that's worth five points.
Note: Patients suffering from March Mania will constantly harp on the fundamentals of basketball and have been known to dive for loose pencils, followed by a quick tapping of the shoulders, wondering aloud if they have any time-outs left, or if they just "pulled a Webber" (see the 1993 championship game and the non-existent time-out call).
Test Three
Scenario... Someone invites you to enter a pool for the basketball tournament.
- If you brush it aside, saying, "I really don't know much about basketball," give yourself one point.
- If you say, "Sure, sounds like fun," give yourself three points.
- If you laugh and snicker, while muttering things about several players' assist-to-turnover ratios under your breath, and then publicly proclaim, "I am king of Bracketville. Let there be a parade in my honor so that all my public may worship me freely!" take five points and please seek immediate therapy.
Adapted from an article by Dave Denicke